Being Winnie

My works in high school are like my ideal expectations for art, a sanctuary for me outside of school studies. Every midnight (when I finally finished homework), I could free my inner self and explore the worlds of individual projects. It was so worth it even if that meant much less sleeping time. At the moment, I was certain that art was where I belong.


高中時期的作品就像是對於藝術的憧憬、學校之外的庇護所一樣,每逢午夜時分(終於寫完作業)才能釋放內心的自己,進入個別作品的小世界裡,就算犧牲睡眠時間也值得,覺得那些當下才是我人生的歸屬。

Since there was too little time to create daily, I always poured my thoughts out in a rushing and almost insatiable manner at the end of the day, thus missed out many opportunities to dive deep into different possibilities of how an idea can be developed. Throughout the years, I became more and more dependent on aesthetic and instinct, and gradually was too comfortable with thought of “this will work alright” while facing the biggest change in my life so far: study abroad.

因為能創作的時間實在太少,總是匆促又近乎飢渴的把一天腦中冒出的各種想法全部記錄下來,也沒有什麼時間深入思考每個點子發展的可能性 。就這樣一路依賴美 感和直覺,帶著「這樣看起來能行」的安逸想法迎來我目前人生中最大的改變:出國留學。

This is my forth month in Chicago. Mentally, I lose a lot but also gain a lot.

Everything happened too quickly in the beginning. I was meeting new faces and going around new places everyday, always telling myself to be more outgoing and bold when trying out new art creating methods. However, deep inside I was constantly questioning myself and my ability when efforts didn’t pay off.

Why did other people get settled with their own “squad” so soon?

Why did other people all seem to know what they were doing?

And I was just here struggling with the super open-ended assignments given by professors, overwhelmed by anxiety for having “too much creative freedom” (which sounds so ironic for aspiring artists, I know).

When everything is accepted as “art”, I became confused about how to build my sense of achievement. Homesick also got me.

The first two months passed in this disturbing uncertainty, and I finally realized that the loneliness and confusion people talked about international students were real.

來到芝加哥的第四個月,感覺失去了很多,也得到了很多。

一開始一切都發生太快,每天都在不同新面孔新街道間穿梭,總是說服自己要更積極的交朋友、更大膽的嘗試各種創作方法...

但是心裡總是在懷疑有時候付出努力沒有回報,

是不是自己不夠好?

為什麼其他人都這麼快就找到自己固定的朋友圈?

為什麼其他人看起來都「知道自己在做什麼」?

而我看著老師出的作業只對他們給的無限創作自由感到害怕,

什麼樣的作品都可以被接受反而不知道要從何寄託成就感、

想回家但是太遠回不去...

就這樣糾結在這種載浮載沉的不確定感中過了前兩個月,

然後發現,

原來人們口中留學生的孤獨和迷茫是真的。

However, when I facetime my family, I know how much changes they made to their lives just to provide me a chance to pursue my dreams. When I watched the figure skaters I admired working so hard in competitions and daily life, I just want to get to work immediately and achieve my goals one by one .

People around me, and even people I look up to have their own struggles and risks to deal with. And yet, they never stop making efforts.

It’ be a true disappointment for the Winnie in the past who was just enjoying the happiness of creating if I, with all the resources and freedom, stop myself from trying just because of the fear for failure. I’m still emotionally connected to my works from the past, but now when I talk about my works I don’t feel like detached from reality anymore. Instead, I can be honest with myself that I’m still constructing myself, and that’s totally fine.

但是,

當我和家人們視訊時,我知道他們為了給我這個追夢的機會對自己的人生做了多少改變、

當我看著自己很喜歡的花式滑冰選手們在賽場上和平時奮鬥不懈的樣子,我只想立刻開始做事然後把立下的目標一個個完成 !

身邊的人們、甚至是自己景仰的人們都有自己的困境,

就算充滿風險、充滿掙扎也還是努力著。享受這麼多資源和自由的我,如果因害怕失敗而故步自封才是對不起那個高中時每天半夜純粹享受創作的快樂的自己。

對以前的作品還是帶有感情的,但現在當我談及自己的作品不再有故弄玄虛的感覺,而是踏實的、真誠的對自己說我還在建構自己,沒關係。

When I ask myself is studying abroad worth it? So far I think, it’s a yes for this process for me to regain my motivation and fearlessness to move forward.

當我問自己選擇出國念藝術是值得的嗎?

目前我想,這個讓我找回動力、真正感到勇往直前的過程是的。

xx, Winnie WYC

Photography 攝影:許哲瀚 Hanes Hsu

Styling and makeup造型:陳文悅 Winnie WYC

Featured item 單品:dress by Zara, earrings by Goldknopf

Model 模特:陳文悅 Winnie WYC

@_winniewyc_