My works in high school are like my ideal expectations for art, a sanctuary for me outside of school studies. Every midnight (when I finally finished homework), I could free my inner self and explore the worlds of individual projects. It was so worth it even if that meant much less sleeping time. At the moment, I was certain that art was where I belong.
Since there was too little time to create daily, I always poured my thoughts out in a rushing and almost insatiable manner at the end of the day, thus missed out many opportunities to dive deep into different possibilities of how an idea can be developed. Throughout the years, I became more and more dependent on aesthetic and instinct, and gradually was too comfortable with thought of “this will work alright” while facing the biggest change in my life so far: study abroad.
因為能創作的時間實在太少，總是匆促又近乎飢渴的把一天腦中冒出的各種想法全部記錄下來，也沒有什麼時間深入思考每個點子發展的可能性 。就這樣一路依賴美 感和直覺，帶著「這樣看起來能行」的安逸想法迎來我目前人生中最大的改變：出國留學。
This is my forth month in Chicago. Mentally, I lose a lot but also gain a lot.
Everything happened too quickly in the beginning. I was meeting new faces and going around new places everyday, always telling myself to be more outgoing and bold when trying out new art creating methods. However, deep inside I was constantly questioning myself and my ability when efforts didn’t pay off.
Why did other people get settled with their own “squad” so soon?
Why did other people all seem to know what they were doing?
And I was just here struggling with the super open-ended assignments given by professors, overwhelmed by anxiety for having “too much creative freedom” (which sounds so ironic for aspiring artists, I know).
When everything is accepted as “art”, I became confused about how to build my sense of achievement. Homesick also got me.
The first two months passed in this disturbing uncertainty, and I finally realized that the loneliness and confusion people talked about international students were real.
However, when I facetime my family, I know how much changes they made to their lives just to provide me a chance to pursue my dreams. When I watched the figure skaters I admired working so hard in competitions and daily life, I just want to get to work immediately and achieve my goals one by one .
People around me, and even people I look up to have their own struggles and risks to deal with. And yet, they never stop making efforts.
It’ be a true disappointment for the Winnie in the past who was just enjoying the happiness of creating if I, with all the resources and freedom, stop myself from trying just because of the fear for failure. I’m still emotionally connected to my works from the past, but now when I talk about my works I don’t feel like detached from reality anymore. Instead, I can be honest with myself that I’m still constructing myself, and that’s totally fine.
When I ask myself is studying abroad worth it? So far I think, it’s a yes for this process for me to regain my motivation and fearlessness to move forward.
xx, Winnie WYC
Photography 攝影：許哲瀚 Hanes Hsu
Styling and makeup造型：陳文悅 Winnie WYC
Featured item 單品：dress by Zara, earrings by Goldknopf
Model 模特：陳文悅 Winnie WYC